The Mask, Olives and Dreams

I hate olives; I hate the way olives smell and taste. I have no clue why the enlightened souls trust olive branches to work towards peace and harmony. But yet, for the sake keeping our union intact, I will offer this little branch of olive to you my friend. Accept it and let’s move on, it is a beautiful life after all.

Do not look at me like that, I am in a serene mood now, I will tell you about all the nice things we innocently committed ourselves to in the past and do not forget about the promises the future holds. Do I give you a hard time when you weigh me down with all your dreams, unfulfilled most of them? I am so diligent, I love you so much and I work tirelessly to make your dreams come true. It was such fun when you were a kid; your dreams went beyond the borders of practical truism. I particularly love that one dream of yours, you secretly wanting to command your very own space ship, replete with secret gadgets. You’d go zipping through the vacuum around the million stars, often alone, often leading a crew made up of your one time friends; now servants. You even created a whole new language of the space ship captain; I spoke it for you. Your parents were not so pleased though most of the times I’d speak in the alien language to them. They did seriously consider grounding your ship.

I still sometimes hear the secret language reverberate inside our common brain, it still tells me a few things and it still tells me that the kid wants to be born again. The kid was so happy, he was happy with in himself, by himself; he did not need the parents or teachers or friends most of the times. The kid spoke to himself, like the man speaks to himself right now. Is it the alien language we are talking in right now? We fought and cursed each other and now I smile back at you, nursing your wounds, there were times in the last few days when it became intolerably loud and yet we kept the dialogue with in. So it must be our secret language. Let’s keep talking.

Let’s go back to our space ship; could we? Life was so much better there. Our ship, our language and just the two of us. We can go where ever we want to go, meet the people we want to meet. I hate it when people put you under stress; I miss my happy little kid, who’d dream of distant stars and his place amongst them. For a few days in our entire life, let us be alone and watch the world go further away from us. We will talk amongst ourselves and make plans to make all your dreams come true.

I promise I will do my best to make you happy, I am a good Mask.

The Face Dreams

The Dream Catcher

I was quiet for a few days, it felt nice to be sitting and breathing bare, uncluttered. It helped that I cried myself hoarse, dried the toxic tears of loneliness. I must not be too hard on myself; I can not let you have your sadistic, masochistic pleasures. I am a splendid man Mask, I learnt and evolved and ruled the world the way I wanted. I conquered my fears and I learnt to live and conceal my weaknesses. You caught me on a weak footing for a while, didn’t you? But alas my friend, that’s about as far as you go, I am standing up again, with or without you.

I was reflecting Mask, reflecting on the skills that I possess and you don’t. I said to myself, there must be a power that I have which you can only look up to and aspire for longingly. I do have that power, the power to dream, to imagine and to fantasise; do you have that too? Not that I am aware of. I have created worlds and empires out of my dreams. My dreams have launched a thousand inventions, out of which you are but just one. I dream of owning power and authority, I dream of happiness and of lust; such fantastic dreams.

You can only look in a straight line Mask, up ahead, you can scheme and manipulate, but it is me and my dreams that feed you. I fed you then and I feed you now and so it will continue. Deny as much as you can, we will thrive in co-existence; you will never find a man as full of rationality and mysticism as I am.

I was a dreamer when I was a child. I used to dream of climbing high mountains and wrestling with giant beasts with my bare hands. I also had dreams of living in a space ship, visiting unseen lands in the corners of our universe. I needed no mask to fulfil those dreams of mine; I knew no mask could help me fulfil those dreams. I kept accumulating those dreams, kept stacking them up one on top of another, carefully, so as not to ruffle them and cause the smallest of tear in the beautiful fabric of my dreams. Soon, I had a stock pile so high that it went higher then the highest mountains. I kept dreaming, I wanted to fly and I wanted to own the largest, the most fierce gun ever made. Where were you when I was living my life with my dreams Mask, you were consigned to handle the more mundane, irrelevant tasks of my life. You are right, I made you do the dirty jobs, where as I was finding bliss in my dreams.

For all these years, while you kept sucking on my life blood, I was working in the background, creating a whole new world; the world of my dreams. I never even mentioned this to you Mask, you never deserved to know. I own that world Mask, I am the lord of it, and my dreams are my subjects. The dreams are and will stay true to me, I give them the shape I want, I can kill a dream when it stops to please me and my dreams will die and will be buried with me. My dear humble servants, they will serve me again in my after life. Who knows, I may dream of a beautiful after life as well.

Mask, if only you knew how to dream. You are so afraid of death, you try so hard to cling on to your false existence; if only you could dream with me, we could have made this life, a dream come true.

The Mask Explains

My righteous friend, I see you are in a vengeful mood. You are also in a confessional mood. I like that too, I like the fact that you have the courage to sound like a man sometimes. Please do understand that I am not an evil Mask, I had told you that I am just a Mask. Also remember that you are not a victim, you chose to hand over the threads of your life to me and chose to become a spectator in this game. So please do not repent now, too late for the tears.

I am willing to talk, I am willing to explain since I do not want you to writhe in pain and lie uneasy in your grave. Unlike you, I was not born out of an atom or a cell or flesh and bones. I was always there, existing like the whiff of air, weightless and yet so pervasive that I existed even before men and women came in to being. So now that you know of my plans for you, you must acknowledge that you are not alone; I lived inside another soul before I entered you and another and many more. So take comfort in the pains of mankind if that helps. I can not die with you, because I am no more just a part of you, I am your soul.

I love children; I love the innocence and the brightness they bring about in this universe. I can not see a more powerful physical force hurt them, so I reach out to help them. How important was it for your parents, your teachers and your well wishers to educate you to stand up for yourself. It was your weakness that forced me to house myself with in you. Addiction, they say, is bad. You should have heard it earlier, you should have said “Thankyou Mask, I am fine now and I have learnt my lesson and I will live my life on my own now”. But alas, you took the short way out; you saw value in using me even beyond you needed me. That was your greed, your insecurities and I simply obliged.

You were a sweet little boy my friend. You used to fear making new friends, for the fear of rejection. You used to hold a cricket bat in your little hands, shaking in your shoes as the hard leather ball was hurled your way and yet you wanted to be the best sportsman around. You wanted to prove to no one and everyone that you were the real deal and you used to nearly close your eyes as the hard red ball came whizzing, sucking you in. Then one day, the hard red ball hit you so hard, you bled and you cried all day long. Remember that day, I was not a part of you then, I was a silent spectator. Your courage left you that day, flowing out in spurts together with the blood out of your mouth. I wish you had known how separate blood from spirit, you did not. You wanted to play again, but you were too scared and then you called the little kids, much more harmless then you were then to play with you. As you called them to play with you, you called me too and I came. What a wonderful time we had with the little boys, you hit them all around the ground, you laughed and you thought that you had become the hero then. I laughed too, because I was inside you and I was your mask of bravery.

How then, my friend, can you blame me? I was just doing the service I was asked to do. I stayed true to my existence, you flinched. I was willing to go, you were reluctant. Power, usurps common sense as it did with you. Between now and then, I have seen you rise with a thousand sunrises and yet you never had the courage to look at the mirror and ignite your own being. Tell me my friend, what more could have I done for you?

The Child Who Wore the Mask

'Alter Ego' by Val Byrne'

I heard what you told me yesterday Mask. I heard every word of it and now those words haunt me, crawl inside me like a cancer that you yourself confess to have become. I thought of you as a child, a selfless, loving being who respected my hospitality and here you are, wishing me to die, with no self respect left in the world. You are a parasite Mask, you are more selfish then I ever was, you did more harm to me then I did to you and now you wish exploit my decayed mass. I am appalled.

That fateful morning outside the school gate when I stood rooted to the ground with fear, I was not the dieing old man you see now, I was a little child. I stood exposed to all the evilness that abounds this world. I had closed my eyes and my heart had refused to beat and then with the inherent primal instinct I gave birth to you. The child was innocent, can’t you see that? The child was abused and yet he wanted to live. The child did not know that what he gave birth to was his adulterous alter ego. You abused my spirit just as you created the façade of saving my body. Day by day, with each reducing breath, you made sure that the child got addicted to your charms, to the mirage you created.

It was never me who asked you to lie, you know I was hypnotized. It was never me who was drinking off the cup of success and glory. I was always the one doing all the introspection, fighting for survival against the odds you kept on stacking up against me. The more I fought, more were the beautiful lies that you created for me, the never ending, ever expanding wave of intoxication.

I am a selfish yet righteous man; I want all the happiness in the world. I want it all because I have worked hard for it, I deserve it. You were not just discovered in a corner of my soul, I invented you. I gave birth to you, nursed you day by day and fed you off my own blood and spirit. You are a part of me Mask and what is a part of me must die with me. You must die with me. If I owe you all that I have, like you had said, you owe me your existence. Let me at least die in peace with my pride intact.

I am crying now Mask and I can feel you smiling, happy as you said feeling my tears satiate your skin. I must speak the truth too, since you finally did as well. I will not die today Mask, I died as a child all those years back. My innocence and goodness was my soul and you tore it to shreds, I died then. I am now waiting to be buried and be born again as a child, with the hope that I will never give birth to a sinful alter ego, never again.

I am crying now, come out of your deep, dark corners Mask and hide my tears from the world. Come and smile for me, will you? It is another beautiful day.

Me.

The Mask Speaks

I am a mask, not a funny mask, not even a scary one, but just a mask. I can assume the shape you want me to assume, like I always do. I make you look happy or sad or whatever else your mind desires me to be. You found me at the back of the beyond corner of your soul all those years ago and I am glad you have been loyal to me ever since. You believe I am your true friend, you think I help you through the tough times and through the easy ones as well.

You first put me on when you wanted to appear brave. Remember the scuffle outside the school gate, you were young and visibly scared then, weren’t you? Out comes the mask and makes you look brave and there, you discovered me. Remember the first time you wanted to look cool? What about the time you wanted to lie? You so wanted them to believe that you are so talented, so out of this world and out comes the mask and it does the dirty job for you. See, there, how loyal have I been to you.

The numbing hallucination that masks do not have a life and a conscience was just that, a hallucination. You put me on so often that I gradually became a part of you, skin and flesh and all those zillion cells that constitute you. Your conscience started to become mine too, I could not help it. I started to acquire a form which was never known to me, I started to bleed every time you made me lie, every time you used me to use the others.

I do not lie to you my friend, so I will agree that there were times when you wanted to remove me, see your true self, feel spiritual. But how could you do that to me and yourself? I was already a part of your skin by then, you would have had to peel yourself off bare in a world full of beautiful lies. I agree it is a painful thought. I know you hate pain, that’s why you discovered me in the first place. So you let me be, you thought I will wear off, fade off and then you will not have to worry, you will never have to explain.

My friend, should I apologise for having more talents and skills then you ever had? You found me for free, I was ‘there’ and so you let me hang around. You used ‘my’ skills, ‘my’ talents to win people, fame and money. Did you ever not notice that all that you own now is mine? You even forgot how to be happy in life with all that I obtained and you started summoning me again and more to help you find happiness and I obliged.

I like it when you talk to me; I am a friendly mask after all. I like it when you cry in front of me and hide behind me. You think people see you smile when I smile for you; I like it then because I can feel your tears satiating my skin. I asked nothing of you and you wanted to give me nothing but some where along the years of our one ness you forgot that you owed me everything that you had. I am a mask my friend, I can hold no emotions for ever, I can hold no guilt for ever. You ought to know, so forgive me today when I tell you that I possess you now, I hold you a prisoner since I need you as much as you needed me then. Forgive me, but I will live this life for you now, I will let you die when your time comes and then I will move on, there are many a young boys wanting to appear brave in front of the school gate.

The Mask

The Preface

Dear Reader,
What you will read here onwards is nothing more then a dialogue. For as far back as I can remember, I have indulged in self conversations. I like talking to myself and that may be one of the reasons why I talk so less with you.

In The Mask Diaries, I am the Mask and I am the Face as well. Somewhere along the years, the Mask became a part of me, it kept changing colours and yet remained with me; eventually becoming a natural extension of my face. The self conversations are my attempt to separate the Mask from the Face; to see them both as separate beings. I do not know what the end looks like, most of what I will write will be honest to the extent of being brutal; the remaining part will not matter in the larger scope of things.

A lot of what I write is dark in colour or essence and you may find it hard to relate to it. But that is a luxury I am going to afford myself to, like I said, brutal honesty is the need of the hour.

So read on, as far as you want to read. I will need your help too, in identifying and unravelling the conspicuously invisible masks; the ones that I may easily over look but yet are so vital that they must be spoken to.

Thank you for volunteering.

Me